


Episode 17: It's a Terrible Life

by inkandpaperqwerty



Series: Bright Smiles and Bloody Lips [17]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Awesome Bobby Singer, Bobby Singer's House, Caring Sam Winchester, Christmas, Christmas Presents, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dean Winchester Lightens the Mood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e17 It's a Terrible Life, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Ghost John Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester Tries, Parental Bobby Singer, Parental Sam Winchester, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Kissing, Reunions, Sam Winchester Knows, Sam Winchester Showers Love and Affection on Liam Bailey, Sam Winchester Takes Care of His Baby, Sam Winchester is a Saint, Single Parent Sam Winchester, Tears, Uncle Dean Winchester, Worried Bobby Singer, past emotional abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 15:09:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19112212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkandpaperqwerty/pseuds/inkandpaperqwerty
Summary: "Dean expected Sam to find a way to cope after he was dragged to Hell. By no means did he, even for a moment, think Sam might look to parenting as a coping mechanism."Liam is staying with Bobby, finally safe from the angels, but Sam and Dean have gone missing. Liam is trying hard to keep it together, but with every passing day, it gets a little harder to deal with the fact that even though he escaped, he still hasn't been reunited with his family.But then Sam and Dean fine their way home, and Sam makes everything better.Sam always makes everything better.





	Episode 17: It's a Terrible Life

There had to be some kind of rule about not raising children with trauma similar to your own until you had worked through that trauma. Bobby hadn’t even been able to _have_ kids, when it was the one thing the love of his life wanted most. He definitely wasn’t ready to look after a kid with a background in abuse for more than two hours.

“I’m—I’m sorry. It—it was an accident, Bobby, I’m—” Liam looked down at the broken dish again and then up at Bobby, taking a few steps back. “I didn’t mean to. I just—”

“Woah, easy.” Bobby held his hands out slightly, palms facing Liam. “Easy, it’s okay.” He wondered if he had looked that terrified when he dropped a plate as a child; if that was what his father had seen before the beating started. “I know it was an accident. Heck, even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t hit you.”

Liam bit his lip. “I’m really sorry, Bobby. I’m… I’m really sorry.”

“Hey, I know you are.” Bobby offered a small smile and crouched down, gathering up the bigger pieces of ceramic. “Why don’t you go in the living room? I don’t want you walking around this in bare feet.”

Liam took another step back and nodded his head, arms drawn in close. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, and then he scurried into the library and out of sight.

Bobby let out a sigh and lifted his ballcap, rubbing his head a few times before putting it back on. _I gotta get Sam back before I do something to send this kid over the edge._ Not that he thought he was doing any kind of terrible job, he just didn’t know how to react, and he knew he was going to screw it up eventually.

When Bobby saw Liam flinch or cower, all he could think of was his own childhood, and it was hard to be calm and understanding when all Bobby wanted to do was hunt down the dirtbag who had hurt Liam so badly and send them to Hell, wrapped neatly with a bow. Except, according to Sam, Liam would think any kind of anger Bobby expressed was directed _toward_ Liam, not away from him. Bobby didn’t want that.

_And this is why I never had kids of my own._

Bobby tossed out the last of the broken plate and set the dustpan and brush on the floor by the trashcan. It really was such an easy fix—such a stupid thing for any parent to get angry about—and it wasn’t like plates were expensive. Not the kind Bobby used, anyway.

“Hey,” Bobby said, leaning into the library.

Liam looked up from his lap, twisting anxiously on the couch, blue eyes wide and uncertain.

“It’s really not a big deal, kid. It’s just a plate.” Bobby shrugged and shook his head. “I’ll hit the thrift store and get another one for a quarter.”

“I can pay for it,” Liam offered quietly.

Bobby chuckled, trying to laugh away Liam’s nervousness. “I ain’t that broke, kiddo. I can spare a quarter.” He jerked his head over his shoulder. “You wanna come help me finish up the dishes?”

Liam nodded at first, and then stopped. He hesitated, slowly sliding off the couch, and then he started nodding again. “Yeah.”

“You still wanna be the dryer?” Bobby asked, returning to the sink full of soapy water.

Liam hopped up on the stool next to Bobby and grabbed his damp towel, nodding quietly.

“Works for me.” Bobby quickly washed and rinsed the next plate, handing it over to Liam with a quiet, “It’s really alright, bud.”

“I’m really sorry,” Liam whispered, taking the plate and drying it _very_ carefully. His eyes never really made it up to Bobby’s face.

Bobby kept washing dishes. “Well, if it makes you feel better, you can be really sorry.” He shrugged his shoulders and handed over a coffee mug with twenty years of stains. “But you really don’t have to be.”

Liam grabbed the handle of the cup in a white-knuckle grip. “Okay.” He started drying the cup, not saying anything else.

Bobby let the silence linger for a moment, but then he decided that wasn’t going to help Liam get his mind off any bad memories or feelings he was holding onto. So, Bobby dried his hand and reached over, turning on the little radio he often used while cooking.

It was a country station—something Dean endlessly groaned about—and Bobby knew from the car ride home that Liam was a fan. Bobby let it play, putting his attention back on the dishes.

Nothing happened right away, but the music helped to take away the awkward silence. Bobby was fine with regular silence, and he kind of like the easy feeling that settled over the room as they worked through one week of their combined dirty dishes.

“…buyin’ on time… without somebody…” Liam’s already quiet singing melted into even quieter humming.

Now, it might have gone against everything Bobby had in him to do ‘cute’ or ‘silly’ things, but humming along to an old country song wasn’t exactly _terrible_. And it turned out that Bobby humming along was exactly was Liam needed to sing. Still quiet, still with his eyes on the dishes, still afraid, but singing.

Bobby would take it.

“Livin’ on love, buyin’ on tiiime; without somebody nothin’ ain’t worth a dime. It’s like an old-fashioned storybook rhyme, livin’ on love. It sounds simple, that’s what you’re thinkin’, but love can walk through fire without blinkin’. It doesn’t take much… when you get enough… livin’ on love.”

Bobby smiled to himself as the song continued, but as it came to a close, he noticed a troubled look on Liam’s face.

“Hey. What’s wrong? Don’t you like that song?”

Liam looked up and met Bobby’s eyes for the first time since he dropped the plate. “No, I do! I…” He looked down at the bowl in his hands, not really drying it, but not holding it still, either. “Back, um… back at one of my foster homes… there was a girl there, and she had a baby, and she was only fourteen. And… lots of the boys talked about girls that they kissed… or had sex with… and they weren’t that much older than me. Landon kissed a girl when he was twelve!”

Bobby blinked. _Times are definitely a’changing._

“And, well… I’ve… I’ve never even held hands with a girl. And I… I kinda like girls… but… I mostly just want to be friends right now. And I like listening to love songs, but… I don’t know. I’m not ready yet.” Liam set the bowl down and stared at it, twisting the drying towel in his hands. “And I don’t know why.”

Bobby was speechless for a moment, but it didn’t last. He put down the dish he had been washing and leaned against the sink, looking down at Liam. “I didn’t kiss a girl until I was twenty-four.”

Liam blinked, staring up at Bobby in awe. “Really?” he asked, mouth hanging open.

Bobby gave him a small smile and a nod. “Yeah. I had a couple dates, and I gave a couple girls a kiss on the cheek, but…” He shook his head and shrugged. “I don’t know. I never planned it. I just… had my mind on other things, I guess. I had stuff to sort out.” His father. Murder. His mother. Guilt. Confusion. “I mean, I thought about kissing girls, I just… never met a girl I wanted to kiss. Not until I met Karen.”

“Karen?” Liam echoed, looking up at Bobby curiously.

Bobby looked back at him, barely keeping himself from reaching out to brush a finger over the cigarette burns above Liam’s brow. “Karen. I met Karen, and from the moment I saw her, I wanted to kiss her.”

“Did you?” Liam stared at Bobby with intense eyes, very much _needing_ to know the answer to that question.

Bobby laughed. “As soon as she let me, yeah. We eventually got married, settled down…” Bobby pursed his lips slightly and nodded his head. “She was the love of my life. And even though I didn’t plan it that way, I was still glad she was the only girl I ever kissed. I used to think to myself… that maybe if I had been more ready to kiss, I would have gotten more involved with another girl, and maybe Karen and I never would’ve wound up together.”

Liam blinked, utterly riveted.

Bobby smiled. “My point is, you’ve got time. You’ve got so much time, kiddo. Let other kids do what other kids wanna do. When the time and the person are right, you’ll be ready.”

Liam bit his lip and thought for a moment. “Even though I’m a boy?”

“A’course.” Bobby pushed off the counter and got back to washing the dishes. “Nothing wrong with a boy takin’ his time.”

Liam smiled to himself a little, and he didn’t say anything more after that. Bobby’s answer had, apparently, satisfied whatever doubt or worry he had had.

_Huh. Maybe I’m not so bad at this, after all._

“Play meee, some mountain music, like grandma and grandpa used to play, and I’ll floooaat on down the riiiver to a Cajun hideaway—hay—haaaaaaay!” Liam threw his hands up. “Fiddle solo!”

Bobby didn’t even know ‘air fiddle’ was a thing, but standing there, watching Liam play it, Bobby couldn’t help himself. He threw his head back and laughed.

* * *

“Hey, boy, it’s me again. It’s been nine days, and I haven’t heard a thing from either of you.” Bobby sighed, rubbing the back of his head. “I know I left this on other messages, but I have Liam with me, and he’s fine. We’ll keep looking for you, I guess. Call me when you get this.” Bobby sighed again, pulling his phone away from his ear and shaking his head at it as he hit the red button to end the call.

“Still can’t find them?”

Bobby turned to see Liam sitting on the couch, hands in his lap and head down. Bobby managed not to sigh, but he did rub his head again, which Liam had quickly figured out was a sign of frustration.

“We’ll find’em, Lee.”

Liam nodded his head, but he didn’t seem very cheered up by the statement.

Bobby didn’t know what else to do, though. He couldn’t make any promises, and he had run out of resources to use, and with it being the first week in January, he couldn’t send Liam outside to play and get his mind off things.

Well, he could, but the kid would freeze and wind up covered in mud.

“What if we look for Castiel?”

Bobby frowned slightly. “Castiel?”

Liam shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno. But Castiel disappeared just a few days before Sam and Dean. Maybe the angels thought Castiel told them something, so the angels took Sam and Dean. Or… maybe Castiel tried to hide them like he hid me, or… or maybe…” Liam dropped his head and picked at his hands, sniffing quietly. “I just want them to come back. Why can’t we find them, Bobby?”

Bobby exhaled slowly and walked over to the couch, sitting down nearby. “I don’t know, buddy. But we’re gonna keep looking, and wherever they are, they’re never gonna stop trying to get back to us. One way or another…”

Liam sniffed again and dragged his arm across his eyes. “This is my fault, isn’t it?”

Bobby blinked. _What?_ He shook his head. “What on Earth made you think something like that?”

Liam wiped his eyes again, still looking at his lap. “If it weren’t for me, the angels wouldn’t have had any leverage, and maybe Sam and Dean could’a beat them already. I was on the phone with Sam when the angels got them.”

“ _None_ of that is your fault, boy.” Bobby shook his head. “And I doubt even Sam and Dean could beat an entire army of angels just like that.” He snapped his fingers.

Liam took a shaky breath and mumbled, “I guess.”

Bobby pondered the situation for a moment, and then he stood up. “This was supposed to be a Christmas present…” he walked out into the hall and opened up the closet, “…and Sam and Dean wanted to be here when you opened it…” he sifted through the packages until he found the one he was looking for and then returned to the library, “…but they can be here when you open the rest. I think you should open this one now.”

Liam sniffed, reaching out to take the small package with timid hands. “I forgot all about Christmas…” He turned it over and slowly started pulling at the corners, unwrapping the present with less than a little enthusiasm.

Liam frowned when he saw the box inside. “What’s a smartphone?”

Bobby shrugged his shoulders. “Beats me. It’s a phone but better, I guess. But Sam and Dean said they set it up for you.”

Liam frowned at it, and then he started opening the box. He had a curious look on his face, but his movements were still slow and unmotivated.

Bobby waited patiently as Liam got into the packaging and pulled out the device.

“Okay… so… if they already set it up…” Liam fiddled with the buttons and the screen came to life, revealing a picture Sam and Dean had taken of themselves and set as the background.

Bobby smiled a little. He figured the gift would make Liam sad in some ways, but he was hoping it would give Liam a chance to feel closer to Sam and Dean as well.

“Um… so…” Liam fiddled with the phone some more, going through different menus and options, and he eventually wound up at the videos. “There’s already some on here…”

Liam selected the first one.

 _“Hey, Liam!”_ Sam waved at the camera. _“I’m really hoping we’re gonna spend Christmas together, but it’s in less than a week, so we might wind up asking Castiel to bring you some of your gifts. If that’s what happened, then we wanted to say—”_

 _“Hello!”_ Dean butted in and waved at the camera, extremely up close.

 _“Dean!”_ Sam shoved Dean out of the way and repositioned the camera so it could see both of them. _“Like Dean said, we wanted to say hello. We miss you like crazy, and we’re not gonna give up until we’re all together again.”_

 _“You bet’cha.”_ Dean grinned. _“But until then, Merry Christmas!”_ His smile grew a little sadder. _“We love you, kiddo. Always. Just hang in there, okay?”_

 _“Love you, little man.”_ Sam blew a kiss to the camera, and then the footage froze.

Liam stared at the phone for all of two seconds before clutching it to his chest and turning his face to hide it in Bobby’s shirt. He let out a little sob but stopped himself from doing it again.

“Good present?” Bobby asked, gently rubbing Liam’s back.

“Uh-huh,” Liam replied tearfully, nodding his head and moving closer to Bobby.

“I think there are some more videos. You wanna watch’em together?”

Liam choked out another sob and nodded. “Yeah.” He pulled away enough to see the phone and fumbled with the controls, tucked tightly against Bobby.

Bobby reached over occasionally to point out which button to press, since Liam was having trouble seeing through his tears, and eventually, the two managed to get another video rolling.

 _“Hey, Lee!”_ Dean whispered excitedly. _“Sam is out like a light, and I couldn’t leave you out of this glorious opportunity, even if you’re not here right now.”_ Dean held up a Sharpie marker, and while his face blocked most of the camera, they could tell he was moving around the motel room. _“I’m thinking French mustache with little hearts on his cheeks. What do you think? Ooh, should I do his eyebrows? I can make them huge!”_

Bobby lost track of how many hours they spent on the couch, going through videos and pictures and messages. He also lost count of the number of times Liam smiled or giggled, and that was worth it.

It was time well-wasted.

* * *

“Oops. Caught red-handed.”

“He told me not to tell, ‘cause he said you two don’t get along.”

Bobby blinked, still a little too shocked to scowl, as his gaze slid from Liam to the ghost of John Winchester and then back again.

Liam shuffled in place, looking sheepish. “Um… when Castiel helped me escape, he gave me a gold star—er, bronze, I mean.”

Bobby didn’t say anything for a moment, trying to get his thoughts in order, and then he looked at John. “So, you’ve been tagging along this whole time?”

John shook his head. “I was at first, even if I had a hard time showing up, but every day the connection gets weaker.” He nodded in the general direction of Liam—or, more likely, the medal Liam had somewhere on his person. “I figure the angel did something, ‘cause I was never attached to the medal before this. Wherever he is, whatever they’re doing to him… he’s running out of juice.”

Liam shuffled some more, staring down at his feet. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just didn’t want there to be any fighting.”

“It’s alright, bud.”

Bobby and John looked at each other, realizing they had spoken in unison.

John immediately shook his head. “Oh, no. We’re not starting that.” He gestured in Liam’s general direction again. “I haven’t even been around that much. I’ve been spending whatever time I’ve been conscious looking for Sam and Dean, in between that, it’s just… big patches of missing time.”

Bobby hummed. “Well, have you had any luck?”

John shook his head with a frustrated sigh. “No. But I’ll keep looking.”

Bobby folded his arms over his chest and paused thoughtfully. “Liam mentioned something the other day about looking for Castiel because he disappeared right before the boys did. If the angel did something to make you stick around…”

“Maybe I can track him somehow.” John nodded in agreement. “It’s worth a shot.” He smiled down at Liam, and then reached out to tousle the messy, dark red locks. “Smart thinking, Berkowitz.”

“Berkowitz?” Bobby asked with a cocked brow.

“Yeah.” John shrugged. “Dave Berkowitz? Son of Sam?”

Bobby’s brow arched a little higher. “You nicknamed your grandson after a serial killer.”

John rolled his eyes. “Oh, gimme a break, Bobby.” He hooked his thumbs in his pockets and glanced down at Liam. “I’ll see you around, kiddo. And even if I can’t find them, you can bet Bobby will, alright? They’ll be back before you know it.”

Liam smiled and took a step forward, giving John a tight hug around the waist. “Okay. Love you, John.”

John spent a brief moment in awkward indecision, and then he gave Liam a little squeeze and muttered, “Yeah, yeah. Love you, too, kiddo.”

With that, John disappeared, leaving Bobby and Liam alone in the living room.

Liam looked up at Bobby, pulling his lower lip between his teeth. “Is it really okay that I didn’t tell you?”

Bobby flashed a small smile and nodded his head. “You weren’t doing anything wrong, and it’s not like you lied to me. You didn’t want anybody to fight, and I doubt there was a good time to say, ‘Hey, by the way, my ghost grandad has been following me around ever since I escaped angel jail.’”

Liam laughed at that, and he seemed to relax a little more. “Okay.” He paused, pursed his lips slightly, and then asked, “Do you think John would mind if I called him Pappy?”

Bobby had absolutely no idea, but if John had a problem, he could get over it. “I don’t see why not.”

Liam smiled to himself. “Good.” He then began chewing on his lip again, his expression thoughtful, and then he slowly began to speak. “Why… don’t you and Pappy like each other?”

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck and let out a soft sigh. “It’s… not that we don’t like each other, we just… don’t always agree.” He let his hand drop down and let out another sigh. “John was in a tough situation when the boys were younger, and… he did some things he probably shouldn’t have. But, uh… but, you know, he did his best.” Bobby sighed again. “He was dealing with things nobody else knew about, and… I don’t think anybody realized how much he was trying to handle all at once.”

Liam frowned a bit, a thoughtful expression twisting his features. “Why didn’t he ask for help?”

Bobby rubbed the back of his neck again. “Liam… your dad is supposed to be your hero. He’s supposed to be able to do anything, fix any problem. No dad wants to tell their kid they can’t do something.”

Liam thought about that for a second or two, and then he nodded his head. “That makes sense. There are a lot of times Dad tells me things are okay when I know they’re not because he doesn’t want me to worry.” He nodded solemnly, and then froze up, eyes going wide. “I mean Sam.”

Bobby smiled softly. “I think Sam would be fine with you calling him, ‘Dad.’”

Liam shook his head quickly. “No, I like calling him Sam. Or Sorzie.”

Bobby chuckled softly. “That’s fine, too.”

Liam nodded and ducked his head, embarrassed. Though, why exactly Liam would be embarrassed about calling Sam his dad, Bobby didn’t know.

_Huh. Just another piece of the Liam puzzle, I guess._

* * *

“When are they gonna get here?”

“Five minutes sooner than the last time you asked me.”

Liam bit his lip and looked out the window, gripping the pane until his knuckles turned white. _They’re okay. They’re both okay. They’re okay, and they’re coming home, and we’re gonna be a family again._ Liam bounced on his toes, queasy with nervous excitement.

 _Don’t be so clingy,_ his inner voice chided. _That kind of behavior will scare them off._

But he couldn’t help it. Normally, he was able to resist the urge to go in for a hug or a cuddle or a kiss, but that was when he had already had one or two that same day. He hadn’t seen them in weeks—months!—and he needed them.

He needed Sam.

Not that he didn’t love Dean; he did. He loved Dean, and he loved spending time with Dean, and he had missed Dean terribly.

But Sam was… Sam.

Sam was the one who had taken Liam away from his group home. Sam was the one who helped Liam clean up most of his accidents. Sam was the one who drove him to Walmart at three in the morning just because he had nightmares, and it was Sam he shared a bed with. It was Sam who patiently helped him with his schoolwork no matter how frustrated he got, and it was Sam who didn’t run away after reading every incident report ever made about Liam’s bad behavior. Sam was the one who would sometimes wrap Liam in a blanket, cradle him like a baby, and rock him to sleep, ‘just so he could get some of the cuddles he missed out on at home.’

Liam loved Bobby. Liam loved Dean. Liam was even starting to like Castiel a little bit.

But Liam _loved_ Sam. Liam _needed_ Sam. Sam was Liam’s entire world, Sam made Liam forget how dirty he was, Sam told Liam he wasn’t a mistake or a burden.

Sam was Liam’s dad. And more than anything, Liam wanted his dad.

“When are they gonna get here?” Liam had no sooner asked the question when Baby came flying up the road and turned into the driveway, sliding like something out of a movie. “They’re here! Bobby, they’re here!”

Liam didn’t wait for permission. He bolted from the window and ran to the front door, throwing it open and running toward Baby as fast as his legs would take him. He saw Sam in the passenger seat slapping Dean on the shoulder and saying something, and then the car skidded to a stop. Sam came out of the car just as fast as Liam came out of the house, running toward Liam at full speed.

“Sam!” Liam giggled. “Sam!”

Liam jumped up as soon as he was close enough, and those gigantic and wonderfully familiar hands were around his waist in an instant. Sam lifted Liam into his arms and pulled him close, holding on tight. Liam threw his arms around Sam’s neck and wound his legs around Sam’s hips, holding on for dear life as tears began to roll down his cheeks.

“Liam.” Sam pulled away just long enough to kiss Liam on the forehead, and then he crushed them back together. “Oh, buddy, I missed you so much. I thought about you every day; I was so worried.” He pulled them apart, kissed Liam again, and then resumed the hug. “I missed you, Liam. I missed you so much.”

“I missed you, too.” Liam cried, holding on to Sam, reluctant to ease up on his hold even when he knew it was for a kiss. “It felt like I was gone forever.”

“Oh, buddy.” Sam squeezed Liam so hard it hurt, but Liam wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. “I’m so sorry.”

Liam sobbed, fingers curling through Sam’s shirt. “I said I was okay, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay, I wanted you, and they wouldn’t let me go—” he hiccupped, crying harder at the familiar feel of Sam’s hand rubbing circles on his back, “—and I just wanted to be home with you, and Samandriel and Castiel were nice, and they didn’t hurt me, but they weren’t you, and I wanted you, I just wanted you!”

“Shh, buddy, you’ve got me. You’ve got me. I’m right here, I’m right here with you.” Sam separated enough to kiss Liam’s forehead and wipe his tears away. “I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.” He squeezed Liam tight, and his own voice was thick with tears when he spoke again. “I’ve got you, sweetie. I’ve got you.”

“Can we—” Liam sniffed hard and rubbed his head against Sam’s, tucking his chin over Sam’s shoulder. “Can we open my Christmas presents? And if there are any toys, can we play? You and me and Dean and Bobby, all of us, together?”

“Of course we can. Liam, we’ll play all day if you want to.”

“And—and maybe we could watch a Christmas movie together?” Liam squeaked out the words, barely able to get air into his lungs without sobbing it all back out. “And order a pizza?”

“Done and done, Liam. Absolutely.” Sam kissed the side of Liam’s head, and his hold hadn’t lightened in the slightest, his grip in startling contrast to the softness of his voice. “What do you want to watch? You want to watch Rudolph?”

“I don’t care,” Liam mumbled. “Just wanna watch it with you.”

“We’ll figure it out later,” Sam whispered.

“What am I, chopped liver?”

Liam’s head popped up off of Sam’s shoulder when he heard Dean, and he reached out to give Dean a hug, keeping his legs wound tightly around Sam. Dean put his hands under Liam’s arms, like he would if Sam were handing Liam over, and an unintelligible noise of protest escaped before Liam even realized what was happening.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” Dean adjusted his hands and wrapped both arms around Liam, giving him a hug while still letting him stay with Sam. “I missed you like you wouldn’t believe, buddy.”

“I missed you, too,” Liam replied, his voice thick and congested. “I saw the videos you guys left me.” He flashed a faint smile. “You drew on Sam’s face.”

Dean grinned widely. “Yeah, I did.”

“Yes, he did.” Sam sounded considerably less enthused.

Liam giggled to himself and put his arms back around Sam, holding on tight. “I taught Samandriel how to make paper airplanes. It was really funny, ‘cause he’s an angel, and he’s really nice, but he was so serious about making a paper airplane. It took him, like, five minutes to fold it one time!”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Aw, man, you gotta be kidding me.” He put his hands on his hips. “Man, don’t angels do anything fun on their own?”

Liam wore an annoyed look to show his agreement. “Apparently not, because they didn’t even know what Scooby-Doo was.”

Dean’s jaw dropped. “What? Psh. Well, at least now we know what’s wrong with them.”

Liam laughed, and even though he had no desire to let go of Sam, he realized he had forgotten just how much fun it was when Dean was around. He had just been so desperate for comfort and safety that he had never stopped to ask himself when he had last laughed.

“Come on, come on, come on,” Dean urged, giving Sam a little shove. “Let’s go open presents.”

Liam smiled to himself and rested his chin on Sam’s shoulder, relishing the feel of strong arms wrapped around him.

_Safe._

* * *

“You know, when I was as Sandover, and my memory was all messed up, there was a guy in the same office as me named Leeland.”

Liam shifted slightly, settled down on top of Sam and ready to sleep all the way through the night for the first time in weeks.

“And I kept calling him Liam. And I couldn’t figure out why. I kept thinking to myself, who do I know with that name? Why do I keep calling him by the wrong name? But it was like… the name ‘Liam’ was just at the front of my mind, and I couldn’t put it anywhere else. And I could feel that it was something…” Sam sighed, lifting Liam’s body and dropping it back down, “…something _so_ important, but I didn’t know what.”

Liam smiled sleepily to himself, feeling Sam’s chest vibrate with every word.

“I missed you so much, buddy. Don’t ever think, even for a second, that I enjoyed taking a break from you… or that I was hoping you wouldn’t come back to me… or that I felt even a nanosecond of relief when I didn’t have to take care of you.”

Liam bit his lip, eyes burning, and he screwed them shut just as Sam started to rub his back.

“I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I woke up every day missing you so much it hurt. I missed making you pancakes, and I missed hearing you sing, and I missed watching you color.” Sam heaved another sigh, and his voice was thick when he spoke again. “I know what you think about yourself. But when you were gone, buddy, I would have killed to clean up an accident in the middle of the night.”

Liam let out a quiet sob and gripped Sam’s shirt, drawing comfort from Sam’s heartbeat and breathing and the steady rise and fall of his chest and stomach as he spoke.

“I know you think I just put up with the nightmares and the accidents because I love you, but I don’t. Those things are part of life, part of life with you, and I miss them when they’re gone. I don’t put up with them, Liam. Those moments aren’t always fun, but they’re moments I spend with you, and every moment spent with you is… is… I can’t even explain it.”

Liam sniffed hard and took a steadying breath.

“My worst day with you is still better than my best day without you, because no matter how good it is, I’ll always end the day by thinking to myself, ‘It would have been better if Liam had been here.’”

Liam sobbed and rubbed his face against Sam’s shirt.

“I love you, Liam. Do you know that?”

Liam nodded, letting out another soft cry.

“I love you so much. You are my little boy, and no matter what happens, that will always be true. No matter where you go, or what you do, or who you become, you will _always_ be my little boy. And I will _always_ love you.”

Liam blinked rapidly, fresh tears rolling down his cheek and soaking into Sam’s shirt. “I love you, too,” he whispered. “I love you, D—Dad.” He was hit with another wave of tears almost immediately. “Why doesn’t that feel right?”

“Why doesn’t what feel right, buddy?” Sam rubbed Liam’s back, patting a few times before returning to circles. “Calling me ‘Dad?’”

Liam nodded tearfully. “I think of you like my dad, and I love you like my dad, but it doesn’t—it doesn’t feel right when I say it, and I don’t know why!” Liam turned his head, pressing his forehead against Sam’s chest and sobbing. “I don’t understand!”

“Shh, Liam, it’s okay.” Sam stroked Liam’s hair. “You don’t have to call me ‘Dad.’”

“But I want to!” Liam cried, turning his head to press his cheek against Sam’s chest again. “I want to…”

“Liam…” Sam inhaled softly. “Maybe it’s just not time. It’s okay if it’s not. It’s okay if it never time. You and I know that when you say ‘Sam’ or ‘Sorzie,’ what you mean is ‘Dad.’ You don’t have to say it to mean it.”

Liam inhaled shakily and let the breath out in a stuttered sob. “I love you, Sorzie.”

“I know you do, buddy.” Sam craned his neck and planted a chaste kiss on the top of Liam’s head. “I know you do. And that’s all that matters. Okay?”

“Okay,” Liam whispered. “I’m so glad you’re home…”

“I’m so glad _you’re_ home.” Sam chuckled softly.

Liam let out a sigh and felt himself dropping off to sleep, his entire body going slack on top of Sam as his limbs turned to lead.

_Safe._

His head started to swim, eyes fluttering shut and sending one, final tear down the salty tracks on his cheek.

_Loved._

And then, just before the exhaustion and tears and overwhelming emotions sucked him down, he had another thought.

_Wanted._

And then Liam was dead to the world.


End file.
